I felt your shape.

I once played this song by the Microphones to someone – it was back in the day where music meant something and secret messages to the people you cared for were hidden in songs, or was I the only one who used it as a means of communication? – and he said that it was a terrible and mean thing to do. I can understand why. Phil sings about someone who isn’t there and never was, actually. A bit like looking back on a situation you believed in with new eyes and from a different prospective, realising you’d been tricking yourself all along. This isn’t a person, it’s a pillow I am hugging. And, by the way, the trust I put in this human being? Gone. And I never got it back. So, fundamentally, this song is an evil song. At the same time, why should songs full of hope have priority? Why can’t we bitch about someone who’s hurt us so much, they’ve stopped existing? We’ve ruled them out of our lives completely, in all the memories, in the space where that person we loved so much was, there’s now just air. Empty space. I’ve read (and heard) that apparently, Phil Elverum doesn’t like playing that song live so much, and that sometimes he even plainly refuses to if someone requests it. I wonder if, like in Soko‘s case, he is just tired of people asking for “the first song they ever heard by him” or if that refusal hides more..

I’ve had more and more visions lately, and also more nightmares. It’s a pretty indecent thing that I hate, especially when it happens on the street (the visions obviously, not the dreams) because I just stand there and stare idiotically and an empty spot or at someone who isn’t who I thought. Sort of embarrassing. But. Both I Felt Your Shape and Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me (I drew something to that song actually, see here) are so fitting to my situation, at the moment. That song by the Smiths is so full of desperation and full of void.

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